Posted by: Brad | February 1, 2009

Microsoft Bob Software Re-Released

The famous 'Toad' on Microsoft Bob's login screen.

The famous 'Toad' on the eye-straining new Microsoft Bob loading screen. We do not recommend staring at this image.

Almost 14 years after it was first released, Microsoft Bob – software that makes your desktop look like a house – has again hit the shelves, this time developed by Nintendo and sold under the Microsoft name.

Bob – which was originally a market flop – has been overhauled by Nintendo, and now features a Japanese-speaking mushroom as the mascot. Instead of the original ‘homely’ backgrounds, the new version also includes a ‘disco’ skin, featuring an on-screen strobe light.

We talked to Bob’s head developer, Hirohito Yamahatchi, who said: “I find the Windows desktop to be very bland and professional, so we wanted to make the Bob more exciting. We mixed the colour palette very nicely, so that it actually burns onto your retina. It makes the experience last so much longer – our test subjects reported seeing a mushroom for a week after initially using the software.”

You can secure your copy of Bob by completing the final level on Super Mario 64 and pressing every button on your Nintendo 64 controller simultaneously.

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Posted by: Brad | January 30, 2009

Photographer Forgets Lens Cap

Camera LensA photographer attempting to capture a world record attempt – involving a woman eating her own head – has forgotten to remove his camera’s lens cap, and missed the unrepeatable feat.

Mary Insane, the record attempter, did not officially break the record, as there was no photographic evidence of the attempt. She cannot repeat the attempt either, as she completely ate her head.

George Whoops, the photographer, said, “It made me feel like an idiot, sure. It also made me realise why my portfolio of scenic photography was mysteriously dark. I just never learned about the light-blocking properties of a lens cap at university.”

We urge all photographers to remove their lens cap, place it in an envelope, and send it to the Tooth Fairy, who will dispose of it and send you money in exchange.

Posted by: Brad | January 27, 2009

Club Penguin Servers Down, World Falls into Chaos

A Club Penguin member's player card.

A Club Penguin member's player card.

An alert to all Club Penguin users has gone out today, following the meltdown of a majority of the popular game’s servers.

An abnormally large number of Club Penguin users logged onto the website this morning, causing the penguin slaves who run the site to retire to a cold shower. We believe this large number is as a result of the recent international release of a Nintendo DS game, which has lit up the blogosphere on various dedicated blogs, such as Club Penguin Cheats Blog, Club Penguin Cheats Guide, and Straw000’s Awesome Club Penguin Cheats Blog.

Members are even beginning to socialise with real penguins – flights to Antarctica have risen by 500%, and Linux usage has risen by 75%.

Club Penguin is not run by actual computers, but an enormous army of real penguins. As such, the service should return fairly quickly, once the penguins have been fed fish and air-conditioning at the game’s California headquarters is returned to sub-zero.

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Posted by: Brad | January 27, 2009

Weatherman’s Report Found to be Inaccurate

weatherIn a shocking turn of events, a respected weatherman has been disgraced by accusations that the facts presented in his reports were inaccurate, sometimes quite significantly.

John Hailstone, of Flox News, is alleged to have forecast ‘rain’ when in fact the weather was ‘rainy’ and ‘lovely weather’ when the actual weather was ‘delightful’. His most misleading statement, however, was a temperature report of 5.65°C – an enormous 0.01°C away from the actual temperature of 5.64°C.

His superiors from the Flox Network said that these discrepancies were ‘unacceptable and disgusting’.

Hailstone said: “I tried to be creative in my reports and may have used words that were more descriptive and ‘fancy’ than the meteorologists intended. I am sorry to anyone I have mislead.”

Hailstone will face court on Wednesday, providing the weather is sunny.

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Posted by: Brad | January 25, 2009

Cat Conquers Small Town in Iowa

A propaganda poster released by Pookie.

A propaganda poster released by Pookie.

A cat has led an army of fellow felines into the town of Preston, Iowa, and held its human residents hostage.

The cat, only known as ‘Pookie’, has already begun to instate a Communist government and castrate Preston’s 1000 residents, in what we believe is symbolic of the cat’s own gender struggles. He/she/it has also marked his/her/its scent over all residents, to ensure that their escape is hampered by attacks from other cats.

President Obama announced a plan in which the ‘Chairman Meow Revolutionary Army’ is lured out of Preston with string and catnip. The entire US Army should arrive in the town tonight, after flying in from the Middle East.

If you notice the signs of a scheming cat, we recommend you distract it using the previously mentioned string and catnip methods, as well as spiking its food with Valium.

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Posted by: Brad | January 24, 2009

Guitarist Counts Strings, Surprised at Result

We believe that Gibsder was trying to imitate the great Bo Diddley in his guitar construction.

We believe that Gibsder was trying to imitate the great Bo Diddley in his guitar construction.

A guitarist from London decided to count the strings on his guitar yesterday morning, and to his surprise, discovered that there were 4.

“I’ve never taken the time to count the strings on my Telecaster; I just played it. I was astounded to find that there were 4 – it explained why my attempts at playing the top two strings were strangely quiet,” Jackson Gibsder said of his discovery.

Gibsder showed us his instrument, which our seasoned eyes instantly recognised as a bass guitar. We notified him of this, and explained that this was why his guitar only had 4 strings. We also told him that his guitar was not a Telecaster, but was in fact a cereal box with 4 wool strings attached.

Musical analysts report that this kind of confusion is rampant in the UK, mainly as a result of cheap imported drugs and mind-curdling modern dance music.

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We recommend not looking at this image, as your head may explode. You should not comment either.

We recommend not looking at this image, as your head may explode like DeBraber's. Please do, however, leave a comment.

After spending years lurking in the blogosphere, Helmond DeBraber’s life came to a sudden end when he decided to leave his first comment on a joke thread.  After simply typing ‘LMFAO’, DeBraber exploded, leaving nothing but charred remains on a swivel chair.

“He loved reading blogs,” his wife told reporters, “but he never commented.  He knew he was aggravating the bloggers by running up their stats but not leaving a trace…but he just liked to hang in the shadows, usually pantless.”

Detectives at the scene looked at the blog in question and found that, despite popular opinion, the site Helmond was reading at the time was not funny at all.

“We feel pretty certain that laughter did not cause his demise,” relayed police, “but rather the simple act of leaving a comment.  For many people, they simply can not do it.  Sure, they will read this stuff all day long, but refuse to participate.  When they do, the stress is usually too great for them to handle.”

Police urge people to not leave comments on blogs – or interact with the human species on any level whatsoever.

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Posted by: Brad | January 22, 2009

Skeletal Spice: An Exclusive Insight

Victoria Beckham's use of shoulder pads disguises her lack of actual shoulders.

Victoria Beckham's use of shoulder pads disguises her lack of actual shoulders.

Recent photos of Victoria Beckham, 34, modelling for Emporio Armani women’s underwear have caused considerable stir in the media. The hotly anticipated advertising campaign featuring the Bride of Beckman will air in the spring of 2009 but the real story may be the unusual lengths that photographers had to go to in order to make the Posh snaps palatable to the public.

“In most instances, we airbrush the little tummy bulges, the cellulite, the effects of gravity” laughed Gideon Corn, one of the eunich photographers handpicked and castrated by David Beckham to work on the shoot, “but with Vics, we actually had to airbrush some weight onto her.  Not only can you see her ribs, you can actually see the outline of her lungs, heart and spleen. It’s a little unnerving. She’s like a really chic mummified corpse.”

According to Corn, the rail-thin Beckham was challenging to photograph. “She weighs 39 pounds and most of that is her hair and breasts, so she has trouble keeping her head upright. It keeps lolling back and forth. We had to use strings, like a puppet.”

Those close to the scene state that Beckham was also difficult to work with. An undisclosed Armani rep said that Beckham was incoherent on set and prone to fits of panic, rage and manic harmonization.  She went on to say that while Beckham may present well publically, in private she was tawdry, cheap and trashy.

“Fortunately,” she added, “this was just the look we were going for at Armani.”

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Posted by: Brad | January 21, 2009

Bush to Join Circus

George W. Bush in a Jon Bon Jovi costume, attempting to be a clown.

George W. Bush in a Jon Bon Jovi costume, attempting to be a clown.

Following today’s inauguration of Barack Obama, former President Bush has announced plans to join a circus and become a clown in his retirement.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from my Presidentialism… being President… it’s that I can make people laugh. I think being a clown is the perfect career for me,” Mr. Bush said this morning.

He hopes to use his former Presidential status to accelerate his acceptance into the world’s top clown school, Laughy McLaugherton’s, which has produced some famous (and infamous) stars: Bozo, Pennywise, The Joker, and most horrificallyRonald McDonald.

President Obama wished him well on his future endeavours: “I guess that job would suit him, wouldn’t it? I wish him the best of luck while I’m busy cleaning up the mess he’s made, and I’m not talking about the war; I’m talking about the bathroom.”

After his clown training, we believe that Mr. Bush intends to travel to Gotham City and ‘Chill the hatman’. We do not know who this ‘hatman’ is or why Mr. Bush wishes to ‘chill’ him.

Mr. Bush leaves for Laughy McLaugherton’s tonight on the Hogsnorts Express.

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Posted by: Brad | January 18, 2009

Competition!

I WANT YOU TO WIN!Seems about time for WordPump to hold a little competition – so I shall. To enter, you just need to submit a short, funny, preferably untrue news story, and if I laugh (which is pretty likely – I laugh at ducks crossing the road), I will publish it here on WordPump.

The first person to submit a funny news story (that gets published) will win a large banner place (180 x 200 pixels) on the sidebar linking to your blog/website/etc, for one week.

The second person to submit a similarly hilarious news story (that gets published), will get a banner place right underneath, but half the height (180 x 100 pixels).

This will continue for the third and fourth places.

More info about submitting can be found on the submission page.

Good luck (not that you need it)! 😀

Submit Now!

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