Early yesterday morning, a team of elite English scientists used the latest in catapult technology (a trebuchet, circa 1500 AD) to launch a drunk man across the English Channel and onto a French beach.
Planning began on the operation in early 1999, when the scientists began calculating distances, speeds, and angles using abacuses and early mathematical theorems. The chief organiser, Ivan I Dear, said: “We thought we’d use ancient technology in the whole project because the modern-day inhuman digital nonsense and ‘carbon-fibres’ and rocket engines are bollocks. Absolute bollocks!” At this point, we noticed veins protruding from his forehead, and decided to conclude the interview.
On the morning of the launch, the team scoured the streets of Dover to find a suitable ‘launching subject’. They stumbled upon a hung-over man sleeping outside a local pub, and hauled him to the launch site.
At 9am the man was placed into the trebuchet’s sling, while a bulky medieval enthusiast named ‘Leofrick’ pulled the giant counterweight back and locked it into place.
At about 9:15am, the trebuchet was released, and the man flew high and far into the distance.
He landed on a French beach about 10 minutes later, where children poked his half-awake body with sticks. He is reported to have said, “Where am I? What kinda lingo are ya speakin? Yeah, ‘Bonjour’ to ya too. Now take me to ‘Le Hospital’.”
He recovered fully, and said that he could not recall the launch.