In an unbelievably nasty series of events, the Kremlin has banned the importation of Mountain Dew into Ukraine. The dispute between the two nations was primarily verbal until Russia’s shocking move.
The ban is likely to affect the strength and awareness of the Ukrainian people, as the withdrawal symptoms of the addictive drink take hold. Analysts believe that Russia hopes to weaken Ukraine to the point that they cannot defend themselves, at which point they will flood the market with Vodka, and make an unprecedented profit from the thirsty Ukrainians.
A similar attack was launched with great damage during the ‘Dew Famine’ of 1998, on a small village in Switzerland. Two feuding villages – who both harvested the dew for Mountain Dew – destroyed eachother’s ‘dew accumulating fields’, resulting in a shortage of Mountain Dew for five years. Hundreds of villagers fled the region in search of Mountain Dew to fulfill their thirst, and their original villages are now abandoned.
To prevent potential future attacks, authorities recommend only ‘Doing the Dew’ in moderation.