President Bush planned to tackle Climate Change with brute force, a leaked document has revealed. He asked the question, “Why can’t we just blow the [expletive] up? This is how they would do it in Tennessee, and by that I mean Texas. Purple monkey dishwasher.”
President-elect Obama responded to the plans, saying he will scrap them the minute he is sworn-in: “You can’t always just blow-up something you don’t like, and that includes Climate Change.”
The majority of the document was unreadable, as it was filled with incomprehensible garble. We did, however, decode the underlying basis of Bush’s plans. He wished to launch an attack on the Greenhouse Gases by asking all citizens to fire their weapons into the sky, while he would send the entire Air Force to fly aimlessly around the world, hopefully ‘scaring the gases away’. Meanwhile, the Navy would be standing by to collect any oil that may fall from the sky.
Bush insists that the plan is not ‘oil-motivated’, and does not believe that he has made similar mistakes in the past. He also claims that his plan is ‘scientifically sound’, as his advisor was Tom Cruise. We pointed out to him that ‘Scientologist’ does not mean ‘scientist’.