The votes have been officially counted, and guess what: Joe the Plumber will be the next US President. Upon reaching Barack Obama, this startling news had him crying like a schoolgirl, and destroying his photographic shrine to Joe.
Overnight, Mr. Obama and McCain both withdrew Mr. Plumber from their ‘Top Friends’ on MySpace and Facebook. Mr. Plumber responded, saying: “I can understand their anger towards me – they both lost the election because of me – but removing me from their Top Friends list was too far. They’re gonna get a surprise when they wake-up in the morning to find a strategically-placed lead pipe in their…” The following word was inaudible, but we are led to believe that it was ‘kitchen sink’.
When asked about his policies, Mr. Plumber announced longer pants for plumbers, to help prevent the infamous ‘plumber’s crack’. He also revealed plans to join forces with his cousin, Average Joe, to reform the entire plumbing system of Capitol Hill.
Mr. Obama will return to his Illinois Senate seat within the month, thwarting the plans of its previous highest bidder, Kim Jong-il.
*Please note that this report is satirical, and should not be taken as truth, unless you want it to be… Thankyou for reading this ridiculously small text!