Posted by: Brad | December 9, 2008

An Inside Look at the Santa Corporation


Every Christmas, the evil dictator of the North Pole, Dr. Santa Claus, unleashes his army of enslaved elves (Exhibit A) to run every retail corporation in the world, in an effort to commercialise the religious holiday of Christmas.

Exhibit A - A drunk elf slave.

"Exhibit A" - A drunk elf slave.

This commercialisation definately helps bring cheer to the children of the world, and create the atmosphere of the holiday season. The major issue is the collection of dirty money from retail, which Dr. Claus re-injects into his lavish lifestyle (Exhibit B).

Exhibit B - Santas lavish lifestyle.

"Exhibit B" - Santa's lavish lifestyle.

Santa builds his facade of cheer and merriness through the use of robot decoys, strategically placed throughout shopping centres world-wide. These are presented to children as “Santa’s Helpers” by their oblivious parents (Exhibit C).

Exhibit C - A Robot Decoy.

"Exhibit C" - A Robot Decoy.

Numerous references have been made to Santa’s evil-doings, but have been edited and dismissed as fiction. Examples of this are ‘Bad Santa‘, Tim Burton’s ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas‘, and ‘Sam & Max: Ice Station Santa‘ (Exhibit D).

Ice Station Santa

"Exhibit D" - Sam & Max: Ice Station Santa.

A brief hiatus occurred in 1930, when Claus was secretly captured by the Icelandic Army, but he escaped the following Spring. Children were confused with the absence of Claus and his robot decoys, leading to mass speculation that he had been assassinated (Exhibit E).

Exhibit E - A child looking for Santa.

"Exhibit E" - A child looking for Santa.

Dr. Claus’ dodgy business deals must be stopped, and a more suitable heir must be found. Various large bearded men have come forward with wishes to become the next Santa (Exhibit F). The search continues.

Exhibit F - Some Santa hopefuls.

"Exhibit F" - Some Santa hopefuls.

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Responses

  1. Those are some pretty serious charges you’re laying against jolly old Saint Nick. Are you saying the greediness of Christmastime today is the result of one particular Santa Claus, or of the idea of Santa Claus himself? Either way, if he found out about this post, and he didn’t bring you anything, would you be disappointed?

  2. Bahaha, I love it! However, I think that Dr. Claus is really just a front man, a figure head if you will. You have to follow the money to find the real evil mastermind. I would look to Walmart, Macys or Toy R U. Yay consumerism!

  3. @megan: Honestly, I love the old fatman as much as the next guy, he’s great, I love him, and he’s so cool. He better bring me presents 😉

    @David Chase: Gotta love that consumerism 😉

  4. Sadly, most of the aspiring Santa heirs were rounded up and brought to secret interrogation rooms, due to suspicious facial hair

    • Dude, right on there brtroeh.

  5. Your Exhibit C flashed me back to a news story I read when I lived in LA… Apparently there was a department store in downtown that had a mechanical waving Santa. Every year for something like fifty years, the owner would bring out this holiday staple. The year I was living there (97), when Santa was pulled out, a piece of his hand or arm broke off – and revealed a skeleton. The way I remember it, a body had been mummified inside of the display, and cedar wood chips had kept it from smelling. The new owner inherited it and always brought it out as a tradition, but he always thought the face looked weird. They weren’t able to ID the body, but they supposed that it was someone’s dying wish to become a stuffed waving Santa.

    All from looking at Exhibit C. Creepy Christmas!

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