Posted by: Brad | April 15, 2009

Apple Releases the ‘iPod Mute’

The iPod Mute with its two wireless earbuds. Notice the amazing lack of controls or screen on the iPod.

The iPod Mute with its two wireless earbuds. Notice the amazing lack of controls or screen on the iPod.

Worried by teenagers playing music too loudly into their ears, Apple has today released the ‘iPod Mute’, designed to play music completely silently. The user simply places the wireless earbuds into his or her ears, switches the tiny music player on, and music begins to play. The ingenious iPod Mute then plays the music at a ‘comfortable 0dB’, so ‘stunningly inaudible that you’ll think that there is no music playing at all’.

The iPod Mute features no screen and no controls, quite similar to the popular iPod Shuffle. A non-rechargeable battery powers the amazing device, and has a life of approximately 1 hour (or 30 minutes if you are watching invisible video). New batteries can be purchased from Apple for $200 after this.

Initially, the new iPod will be available in 200GB, 400GB, and 1TB models, providing plenty of space for all of the music, videos, and photos you could ever dream of (please note, you will have to dream of the music, videos, and photos for the iPod to be effective).

Apple engineer Carlos iMendez said of the Mute: “No one has ever experienced audio or video like this. It stimulates the brain more than a book, for the price of 1000 of them.”

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Posted by: Brad | April 14, 2009

Blogger Returns After Brief Hiatus

My good friend *cough* shady dealings partner *cough* Kimmy.

My good friend *cough* shady dealings partner *cough* Kimmy.

As the title suggests, I am back, and the hiatus was not a hernia. It was indeed a working holiday with the Chairman to sort out some business. Needless to say, the business was sorted, and now North Korea has a ‘communications’ satellite in space*.

If there is anyone still reading this who is not one of the Google searchers looking for Harry Potter, then I thank you, and I assure you the cheque will be in the mail by tomorrow. Speaking of such things, I shall hold a poll in order to find your opinion on whether I should pay submitters for their work. Under this evil scheme, I will pay a small incentive of $USD2 to anyone whose WordPump/Chairman roflMao submission gets published. I’m hoping my friendship *cough* shady dealings *cough* with North Korea will help fund this.

Thanks again!

* This blog does not advocate supporting the regime of Kim Jong-Il in North Korea, or the launching of ingeniously disguised missiles over the Pacific Ocean.

The wonderous 'sky-water', along with a 'sky-water-bow'.

The wondrous 'sky-water', along with a 'sky-water-bow'.

Residents of the Australian state of South Australia have begun wondering why water is falling from the sky – an event that most people thought was merely a folk tale.

Known as ‘rain’ to most people, the word has fallen out of South Australians’ vocabulary, as a result of the rarity of the event. English teachers have rushed to re-introduce the word into their students’ vocabularies, and news reporters have been forced to refer to rain as ‘sky-water’ in order to avoid confusion.

One elderly resident said: “I remember seeing this sky-water back in the 30s. We used to collect it and drink it, but these days kids don’t know even know where water comes from. I heard one youngster say it came from ‘ya face‘, but I don’t know what he meant.”

The rain is not expected to continue for much longer, but while it does fall, you can be sure the South Australians are staring to the heavens and hoping the sky doesn’t fall on them.

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Posted by: Brad | February 28, 2009

Convenience Store Owner Performs on Street

Act 4 of Ram's rendition of Swan Lake. His use of street lighting and extremely well-dressed homeless ballerinas makes for a mystical performance.

Act 4 of Ram's rendition of Swan Lake. His use of street lighting and extremely well-dressed homeless ballerinas makes for a mystical performance.

Ram Venkatararam, the owner of the Food Here Convenience Store, has become the latest victim of the current economic turmoil. He has made the best out of his situation, however, by becoming a mime (also known as a ‘busker’, ‘street performer’, or ‘person so desperately in need of some cash, that they display their talent (or lack of) to businesspeople who only throw coins that they found on that street the night before, which were probably dropped by said busker anyway’).

Mary Mocking, a performing arts critic, said Ram’s performance was: “Delightfully desperate – an emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows; wealth and poverty; and difficult decisions: whether or not to sell the expired dairy.”

John Johnson, a local policeman, said of Ram, “Yeah, we’ll leave him there. He doesn’t cause too much harm, and it’s fun to nudge him when he’s sleeping. I especially enjoy watching his rendition of Swan Lake – it’s just so inspiring.” We left the interview there, because Officer Johnson began weeping and twirling like a ballerina.

If you wish to watch Ram’s performance, he performs every hour, on the hour. He is only performing for a limited time, until his financial situation improves, or he inevitably becomes a Hollywood star.

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Posted by: Brad | February 25, 2009

Say Hello to Chairman roflMao

"Hello," says the glorious roflMao!

"Hello," says the glorious roflMao!

It’s something that I wrote about many moons (okay, about three months) ago, but have now put into action – a blog about stupid laws that should exist in your ideal dictatorship.

It’s called Chairman roflMao, and I recommend checking it out and perhaps submitting. And yes, this is shameless self-promotion ;) If you can think of a funny (it must be funny) law for your ideal dictatorship, simply explain it in the submission form, and it if I like it (which is pretty likely), it should get published promptly by the amazing Communist blogging machine.

Enjoy! *

* Enjoyment of the aforementioned blog is not guaranteed, however the Chairman requires you to smirk, grin, or lightly chuckle at even the most unfunny of posts.

Posted by: Brad | February 21, 2009

Unbreakable Encryption Unveiled by Music/Movie Industry

Pacman must be completed to decode the media.

Pacman must be completed to decode the media.

In response to the growing problem of piracy, the music and movie industries have banded together to develop an unbreakable encryption method, which they claim will immediately stop piracy.

For legitimately downloaded media, the user can easily decode and enjoy their purchase with a keycode available from a market stall in Kazakhstan. The user must fly to the stall and quote a number handed to them by a flight attendant named Nancy, at which point they will be given a keycode. This keycode can then be entered into a decryption program available for $200. Finally, the user must complete the original Pacman with a perfect score. This process must be repeated everytime the user wishes to listen to or watch their media.

The media is also extremely poor quality, to eliminate the likelihood of pirates recording video or audio signals.

Critics say that this will be the end of the music and movie industries, but they maintain that it is completely sane.

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Posted by: Brad | February 15, 2009

Rug Salesman Tells Truth

One of the quality rugs on offer.

One of the quality rugs on offer.

For the first time in his career as a rug salesman, a man only known as ‘That everything must go guy’ has told the truth about a sale – everything actually did need to go.

The man’s rug store, Rug Me Up Scotty, was being converted into a politician/lawyer/media/new WordPump blogging office to continue its fine heritage of deceit. To clear out the store, ‘That everything must go guy’ initiated his 1000th closing down sale in the store’s 5 year history.

When asked about his sale, he said, “Everything must go! Rugs worth $100,000 are selling for $10,000 – it’s insane! We’re closing down permanently! This is your last chance to get these quality rugs, handmade by underpaid Middle Eastern workers, who are practically enslaved by our unethical trade practices!”

‘Eveyrthing must go guy’ will now pursue a career in sewerage treatment, a job much similar to his rug salesman career.

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Posted by: Brad | February 10, 2009

Man Steals Stadium

Phake Eye Dee in the SCG, disguised as a cricketer.

Phake Eye Dee in the SCG, disguised as a cricketer.

A Sydney man has managed to steal the city’s famous SCG, using several sticks of chewing gum, a fake ID, and a flock of hummingbirds.

The man, only known as Phake Eye Dee, managed to enter the SCG using a forged maintenance worker’s ID, and strategically placed 200 pieces of chewing gum on the stadium’s roof structure. He then called the 200 waiting hummingbirds, which lowered themselves onto the chewing gum in order to lift the stadium.

Military personnel watched on helplessly as the SCG slowly flew away; their fighter jet pilots didn’t stand a chance against the slideshow of Playboy covers that Dee had shown on the stadium’s enormous screens.

Through satellite tracking, authorities were able to trace the stadium’s route to New Zealand, where Dee is reported to have turned it into a sheep farm. New Zealand sheep protection laws prevent Australians from re-capturing the stadium while it contains sheep. Negotiations are continuing.

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Posted by: Brad | February 8, 2009

Chuck Norris Caught Watching Bambi

Chuck Norris being shown a Bambi figurine at an Air Force awards show.

Chuck Norris being shown a Bambi figurine at an Air Force awards show.

Chuck Norris – a man known for his super-human strength and disturbing fury – has been caught by his wife watching the Disney classic Bambi.

“I was shocked to find him watching Bambi. It was the first time I’ve seen him watch a deer or other defenceless animal without roundhouse kicking it in the face. It’s just sick.”

Chuck Norris was quick to discount the claims, saying, “I was watching it to investigate the movement patterns of deer, so that I can more effectively kick them in the future. I now know to go for the head.”

We then asked Norris if he knew who Julie Andrews was, and he responded with, “Of course, she’s Maria from The Sound of Music… I mean… Um…” He then roundhouse kicked me in the face.

Norris did not want the incident to tarnish his reputation, so he flew to Afghanistan and killed a quarter of the Taliban with his beard this morning.

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Posted by: Brad | February 6, 2009

Harry Potter Injured by Broomstick

Harry Potter before the incident.

Harry Potter before the incident.

The world’s most famous child magician, Harry Potter, has been taken to Hogspital following a painful encounter with a broomstick while playing Quidditch – his favourite sport.

Potter was flying on the broomstick, when a spectator yelled a personal remark about his suspicious relationship with Ron Weasley. His broom collapsed and he fell several metres onto it, lodging it in ‘an uncomfortable region’. We are unsure what the sources meant by this.

Potter was taken to the Hogspital – Hogswart’s on-campus hospital – where he underwent a delicate procedure in which the broomstick was removed from his ‘uncomfortable region’, using a magic spell and plenty of elbow grease.

He is expected to fully recover, but may not be able to walk, sit, or ride on a broomstick for several weeks. He was unavailable to comment on his relationship with Ron Weasley.

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